Dear Love ..

Dear Love ..

I pondered the entire day trying to recount the encounter I've had with you so far in my life.

We have had a very on and off relationship with each other since my school days.. it took me a while to recognise that it was you and not just an infactuation or a crush ( Your stupid silly siblings confusing the lives of teenagers). And trust me, she tried her level best to blame it on them for the reason she looked smitten every time our eyes met. And even I brushed my feelings aside trying to ignore you till the moment she decided to bid a goodbye to our short time together.

She left and you showed up on my doorstep the next day. I blame you for all the sleepless nights I've had and my blunt emotionless demeanour while she was gone. You tormented me, made me jealous, angry and vulnerable at the same time. I fought you day in and day out trying to push you away from my life but you clingy creature hung on till I gave up and conceded to you. It was you - Love.

I wondered if its just the feeling of you was what I was missing then I could just find you in someone else again. But you evil twisted genius,you proved me wrong. It was her and none else. None could me make me feel you. And I admit. I enjoy your company.

So, the pursuit. Acted aloof, stalked her, drunk dialled her and did a thousand other things which would have gotten me a bloody restraining order had I been abroad. But India me toh this is the guide to find you. Finally gave up on my pursuit and gave up my hope of finding you ever back.

I let her move on. Sad and in agony, I missed you through her everyday for a horrible phase of my life. And finally out of pity, you evil twisted genius, decided to knock on her door.

And this time, we have both decided to grasp onto you. We're not letting you go.

So, I concede to you through her and I promise to treat you right this time. Enough of me trying to push you away and abusing you. I don't find happiness without you. I wanna wake up everyday knowing that you are in my life with her beside me. And for the part of you in her, I vouch for her happiness, her safety, her comfort and everything which makes her complete with you in her life through me.

In all, thanks for this bittersweet relationship we've had with each other and with her.

Sincerely yours,

A Man’s World !

“The best thing about being a woman is that, It’s a man’s world out there !!”

I had read the word Feminism and Feminists while I was still a boy but never really could wrap my head around it then because it was discussed and debated so less in stark contrast to what it is now. Today everyone is a feminist and everyone supports feminism but I’m still clueless about it as I was a decade back.

Nobody had the definition of a perfect woman back then.  Some thought it was okay for a woman to go out while some didin’t. Some educated their girls while others put them within the confines of their homes. Some felt it was not a woman’s place to interrupt while they spoke and cross their legs in front of others. Well !! Everyone had their own definition and everyone equally confused as the other. So, I as a boy had no clue as to how a woman should be.

I felt it weird when I entered my new school and there was a girl with a wooden ruler in her hand monitoring the class filled majorly with boys. It took me a while to settle down to this as so far I had seen girls as  timid and shy who whisper to each other. But this one was different. I was immediately drawn to her aura and confidence. She would walk around the class as if she owned it. In a class dominated by boys, it was unnatural that they let a girl feel equal  and a step further, be controlled by her. So, they would make fun of her walk and confront her decisions at every step trying to put her down. But she would silence them with one stare in their eyes. Nobody dared further. She was every teacher’s favourite, she held the top rank and was extremely well behaved. I left a year later to a different school in a new city due to my dad’s transfer.

Years later, found out through a friend that she was also in my college. I was wondering what she had grown into. Had the years changed her ? Had she gained in confidence ? I was to find out. But I was so sure that no matter what, she would certainly stand out from the crowd and she did. She had joined Mechatronics while other girls usually preferred to join the comfortable Computer Science or IT Engineering. She didn’t mind getting her hands dirty and headed the Cultural Team at College of our year. While other girls garnered attention with the clothes they wore and the number of boys in pursuit of them, she roamed in a Khakhi uniform with mostly grease mark on the hands. She bothered less about what others thought of her and more about what she believed in. I was a mere spectator and admirer to all this.

A year later, a guy fell in love with her and after months of pursuit, wooed her to win her over. I was happy for her as she was often singled out by her friends ( Not just a men problem, even women cannot handle successful independent women !! )and now she had someone to truly care for her. She did not entirely let herself to trust him initially but after a few months, gained the confidence that he valued her aspirations and could be relied upon. She let her guard down and for the first time, actually wanted to have all those moments of chivalry from a man she loved. She had now begun to picture her dreams together with him. She loved the way he held her and made her feel safe, not that she needed anyone to protect her but this feeling  reassured her faith in him. She let him be the man in the relationship, she respected his ego and didn’t let him feel insecure. She helped him with his career aspirations and motivated him from being an average guy to a class apart. He even prepped for GATE so that he could give her a better life and got into IIT Madras. She had made the world of difference to his life.

While I and my other friends ended up in the IT sector, She went on to join Anand Automotives initially and then to Honeywell in Hyderabad. She was so sure to pursue her dreams and didn’t think twice about choosing her passion over other comfortable desk jobs.

A year later after college, I learned that she was going through some trouble in her relationship. The couple who once were head over heels in love with each other, couldn’t make the long distance relationship work. The distance and the resultant insecurity, caused the guy to question her loyalty, something she could never forgive him for. The guy had been too controlling and couldn’t take her outspoken and friendly nature at her workplace. He constantly complained about the clothes she wore and the group of friends  she hung out with. The job nature of a woman in a factory set up warrants interaction with men and her guy was not comfortable with that. After pestering her to move to Chennai, to abusing her emotionally ,to blaming her for his insecurities, she had had enough. She tried to hold on to the relationship she so truly believed but it was time to let go. It was hard for a butterfly to feel trapped and she didn’t. She woke up one day and felt she had already moved on from him. Not to anyone else, but to greater things in life.

So, it’s really upon women to decide if they want to play the victim card or feel powerful.

I as a boy had no clue as to how a woman should be. As a man, I still don’t because a man is not the one to decide how a woman should be !!

Just admire, embrace and cherish them.

Cab ride to Office

The cooker let out a scream adding to the haste while I got my two year old Cinderella dressed. “Seethamma, anda cooker a konjam paarunga” , I shouted, asking my maid to take care of the cooker. I did my hair, pinned the saree (lecherous eyes at office !!) , took my lunchbox, packed my husband’s lunch and a thousand other things that a working wife has to do. I kissed my child, asked my maid to look after her and rushed towards my cab who had honked three times  expressing his frustration. 

“Should have married a techie, at least, our offices would have been in the same direction and he could drop me in our car. Well !! Let’s not open that door!” I thought to myself.

Soon, my colleagues started engaging in a dumb cheap ritual called gossip. I wore my headset and  looked away through the glass. Santosh Narayan's classic Aagayam Theepidicha Nila Thoonguma starts to soothe me while I sank into my own. 

“It was all very exciting to start with, College, friends, a few first dates, love, job, marriage – everything. Now that I ask myself if this is really what I sought is when I realize that its all meaningless. I studied to do a job I hate, to earn money that I don’t have time to enjoy. I’ll probably start saving so that my daughter can have a good life while I lived an ordinary one. Dream a thousand dreams for her and give her the financial freedom to pursue them and when she starts to, push her into marriage so that she can pass on her aspirations to her kids. Damn !! Is this all we are ever born for !! Is there no escape ?"

"But there are tiny moments of joy and happiness. Well !! At least there were, initially, first year of marriage. Like when he took me on a drive, brought home a rose after work, when I cooked his favourite mutton biryani and he would say – I love you jaanu !"

"Now, Its all about my kid. I smile only when I’m with her now. I and him, have no time for each other these days. It takes nine to reach home in this wretched Bengaluru traffic. He stares at the TV for a while, eats what the maid has cooked (I don’t think he even knows what he is eating anymore), plays with our kid for a while and dozes off."

"Can’t blame him entirely, he is mentally too tired since his new project started. On that, he has to work on Saturdays too. A word of advice, never marry someone who has to work on Saturdays !! Life shall never be colourful, It’ll be grey like their uniforms. (Yes ! he has to wear an uniform to work)

I just hope all this changes very soon. I already feel a distance with him. We both have prioritized our work lives so much that we didn't see our relationship slip away. There is no more spark there. It's crazy how life has shifted in these past five years since college. Earlier, we used to literally share our everyday lives on text messages. Right from Good morning Darling:*  to Honey .. Say something na .. I can't sleep ! we were with each other all the time. We spent time making each other feel special and important. And he would text me poems written just for me making me blush. Now, they have turned to one word pings on whatsapp and that too when it's absolutely necessary like I'll be late or Where are the car keys ? I cannot believe what we have become 

May be its me. I don't even give him the time I give to my stupid colleagues. May be I should take the first step and reignite things. Can't sit and wait around for him. I should start making conscious effort to make time for him. Make him feel important in my life. And I know he'll reciprocate all my love and effort. May be I'll cook him his biryani tonight. Let’s see if he still says, I love you jaanu !!”

My cab stops at my office, and I get down to carry on with my day.

Skeletons in the closet !!

 

It'd flash before his eyes, the whole episode, like it had happened just yesterday. He couldn't stop thinking about it.

The feeling was petrifying. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept, not without help atleast. The fear had crawled into the very texture of his bones that it made him tremble. It broke him down by every ounce of his self. The fear of letting others in on his darkest secret, or worse if someone figures it out. The consequences, just the thought of it, made him drop on his knees. He couldn't let the one sin of his past haunt his family. He cared too much to worry less about little Brandon and Shelly.

He had to remain strong, even if it meant being ruthless. He couldn't run away from the truth. He knew he had to face the consequences someday, but not just yet. He was prepared to go as far as it took to protect his family. Right and wrong didn't matter to him. He didn't have a choice. He had to protect his secret, his dark self. He could not afford to get exposed.

He had turned into the exact monster that once haunted him. Less did he know that in the process, he would come so far as to not going back. He had tried to cover blood with blood and now there was just too much to cover up.

It'd flash before his eyes, the whole episode, like it just happened yesterday. He couldn't stop thinking about it. The picture of him stabbing that monster, against the law,  to keep the streets clean. He had him buried in his garden with a fountain built over it.

 He isolated himself from his very own family to keep them protected from the monster he would turn out to be, in the quest to hide his secret. He had outgrown his secret. It didn't matter anymore. So much blood to be wiped out that the floor would never be the same.

Now there was no going back. The only way he could protect his secret and identity was only if .. if there was nothing to hide. He lit up a joint and had a few deep puffs before he slit himself across his throat and lay there in his own garden with nothing to hide from the world anymore.


- Inspired from the character of Alexander Mahone - Prison Break

the little experiment

“I feel like a superman without his powers !!”

“Now you know how I feel like every moment of my life .. The world is my lesbian wedding !!”

I echo the words of chandler while writing this .. hoping to find someone suitable someday.

Ever felt you might not be comfortable talking to a girl from an entirely different background ??

Well .. I surely have .. given that you have never been comfortable talking with any girl. But namma enda ponna love panna porom nu decide panna mudiyuma enna ? Love just happens. It is magical.  Especially when she is from a different background and culture (that’s not true entirely given the fact that almost everyone is an engineer nowadays !!).

 It is all the more exciting. You have never felt like this before ..  this seems like an achievement to you. Not just that you are in an relationship but also with someone whom you thought was never in your range.

Well .. all that aside. It is fun to be in a relationship with someone from a land far far away.

I really hope this doesn’t sound like a prose version of “Kashmir tu .. main kanyakumari !!”

But it is the truth .. just not in the way the forty year old srk portrayed it to be .. but still

She gives you so many dimensions to a relationship. She tells you all about honour killings giving you the nightmare of your life. At the same time, she fantasizes about having a life like the one shown in karan johar movies.  Although you have never watched one .. she just makes you nod along with the sweet way of narration which mesmerizes you.

Not to mention the moments when you try to teach her tamil .. actually tamizh and enjoy the cuteness of her trying to adapt to your tongue. Awesome are those silly fights over why Rajnikanth is the biggest star ever or why Chennai Express sucked. ( sorry for the demeanour but god I hated that movie !! )

A north indian girl adds so much flavour to your life. A kind of flavour which you believe to like when you are tasting lasagne for the first time in your life. Just the missing piece of the puzzle is that you don’t realize that you cannot eat lasagne for the rest of your life and by the time you realize it,  it is too late.

You’re just her little experiment. Her attempt at taking control of things. And yet another act of submission to her culture, her parents and her roots. Its just a matter of time before both of you realize that its not going to work out as well as the final events described in the two states. There is so much more to it.

The religious fallacies, the food majorly, the belief system, the traditions( though you've protested against yours all your life) .. you just cannot let your ego throw all that that you've grown with for a person who belongs to a land far far away .. and the very fact that attracted you doesn't any more. It’s a god damn obstacle.

The point of this entire crap is that .. you are comfortable with what you’re comfortable with .. Nothing like Idli chutney right .. or if you’re a Bengali .. nothing like hilsa curry !!

Cheers !!