Bittersweet

This is not the first nor will be the last of one of my romantic fictions. But here we go again!

The Aaryan Story:

Aaryan (I know it’s a bit cheesy... but trust me!! I don’t want to name even my fictitious characters names like Shiva or Karthik). Long story short ... He had his heart shattered into pieces when his high school sweetheart left him for an older, better looking, rich man from her own community. He tried to drown his sorrows in alcohol, food, and guilt of not being good enough for her. 4 years later, having gained 60 kgs and being thrown out of his house by his family, he shut everyone out of his life including FB, Insta and Twitter so that nobody could even get in touch with him or the worst-case scenario of him stalking his ex on these platforms. He had realized that the people who really wanted to stay would be in touch with him no matter what and the ones who wanted to ... did!! He counted his blessings and moved on to a better job to leave his old life behind.

He started to focus on his work and started to heal himself by adding layers of brutal honesty, insensitivity and a cold exterior so that nobody could ever peel down to expose those wounds again or make him vulnerable. He acted aloof and didn’t get to socialize or participate in any of the office stuff that did not concern his work. He deemed himself unworthy of any girl’s attention and out of everyone’s league and hence, put on a mask that he wasn’t interested in anybody. Then he came across Sheryl.

Sheryl was the new office intern who after a few freelancing gigs, ventured into the corporate world. Her chirpiness, enthusiasm and wit turned so many heads and so did Aaryan’s. But never in the world did Aaryan think that he would be the first to go over and start a conversation with a girl (hadn’t happened in the several years prior) and he couldn’t believe it when she was courteous enough to respond with a smile and have a conversation which stayed with Aaryan for a long time, until his next. He still couldn’t bring himself to get out of his self-loathing and layers that he could cross the barrier of more than an occasional smile when they crossed paths in the cafeteria or in the lobby.

Then, due to some organizational changes, it so happened that Aaryan was shifted to be seated in the same room as Sheryl. Those few glances and smiles turned into an occasional banter, a few laughters and then pulling each others' legs all the time. He could see that she was uncomfortable with smoke, so his addiction of smoking a dozen cigarettes a day gradually had been cut down to a couple a day and none when around her. Also, intentionally it also meant that he could spend his time more during breaks at cafeteria with her. But still, there was still something lurking in the air that did not make him quite confident of approaching her. So, in order to gain her attention and some confidence, he started to lose weight and lost around 30 kgs in a span of 8 months.

But the wounds were still healing and the layers to protect himself from getting hurt kept his guard up and he convinced himself that he would not proceed any further than being friends with her and kept it professional (Well ... at least he tried to!!).

The Sheryl Story: (Strictly from Aaryan’s view)

Sheryl was not the hip party freak liberal Chennai bred girl that Aaryan had assumed, brought up in a metro to be. I know “Regressive” “Presumptuous” “Narrow-minded”. I hear you all loud and clear but maybe Aaryan had to meet Sheryl for him to realize how short sighted he had been. Sheryl was a breath of fresh air around the office, she made friends with everyone almost immediately, dressed quite elegantly and carried herself with such dignity that nobody could even dare to question her values. She was the exact opposite of Aaryan - open-minded, positive, and friendly.

Sheryl started to see Aaryan as a pessimist, misogynist, and self-centered individual but on a few occasions could have been surprised to see that Aaryan’s intentions and words never defied each other and maybe just inclined her enough to notice his existence. We have no clue what happened, but long story short Sheryl just kept it professional apart from a few casual banters about love, life, travel, and marriage – the small talks in cafeteria. And the one time, Aaryan tried to get a bit closer through his so-called witty flirty double entendre, she stopped it right in his tracks and looked at him point blank and said “STOP”. The four letters and that dreaded killer look right into his eyes, sent a chill down his spine but made his admiration for her multifold. While he had come across women who sought attention from any corner they can get, there was this girl, my bad a “WOMAN” who held her moral forte and wouldn’t let anyone let her guard down, no matter how hard they tried.

Aaryan often pondered if her past wounds had hurt her and hence had closed all doors of love or that there was already a door open and wouldn’t let anyone else inside hers. Maybe she was lucky to have found her “One”. He still has no clue. But he respected her words and kept away from crossing her line. So, he showed up to the office less and just focused on his career and his life.

The Cliffhanger:

The more he focused, he kept getting better at his job and now has to go away to take up a global role.

The time away from her, her humility yet authority in getting the job done, the admiration for her sheer persona all kept coming back to Aaryan and the layers he had built to protect him kept peeling away just to make him vulnerable to get hurt again and worse give his heart a chance to be shattered into a thousand pieces again from which he might never recover again. This scared him to the core. He could have all he wanted or he could be left broken again. The dilemma of having a friend, to whom he never proclaimed his love for her, could haunt him as a regret forever. On the other hand, he could lose a friend, who left his heart broken to never recover and reel from that loss forever.

 

What would he choose?

Should have, could have, would have – all these recount our past which we shall never get to live and the guilt of never having the courage to get hurt again. So, since the ball was not in his court, he remembered the lines

“Why do we fall son?  So that we learn to get back up again”. (Courtesy – The Batman)

“Anything that does not kill you makes you stronger.” (Courtesy – Harvey Specter, Suits)

So he decided to express his dilemma in an emotion that he connects with the most – Words!!

And give it for her to read so that she be the one to decide the course of their relationship.

And knowing her... She would probably give it a smile and say I’m sorry to not hurt Aaryan. Or she’d be that blurred picture in the wedding gown in his dream beach wedding!!

So, I leave you at this cliffhanger with the promise that I’ll be back with Part 2 of what happened – A tale of how strong Aaryan recovered or how their dream wedding was.

Cheers !! Happy to be back !! 

 

Bas Saans Lete Raho ...

Stupid .. Dull .. Boring .. Rohit Shetty .. Stupid again .. Man !! "I don't know what to watch anymore" I thought as I threw my remote onto the couch and I walked to the balcony to see if any humanlife was visible in the near distance. Only barricades and blockades .. a lot of them indeed. I could see the ravens (too much GOT !!) .. crows caw in hunger and even that had started to sound like music. Alexa had gone out of options to suggest me, whoever said "ghar ka dal chawal jaise nahi" wouldn't have definitely spent 4 months eating just that. I remember the scene from Aayirathil Oruvan where Karthik sees images of beer and tandoori floating away infront of him out of hunger. Life was just that. Lockdowns have indeed changed our lives.


But,

I had an active internet connection so that I could complain about the lockdown on twitter, mom to cook me three square meals to give me the strength to whine on my blog, enough money to keep my family going inspite of losing my job and above all that, I have not contracted the disease so far nor had I succumbed to the temptations of killing my self outta frustration of the present and despair of the impending doom in future.

So, my point is

Count yourself lucky to be alive
Count yourself lucky to be breathing easy
Count yourself lucky to be able to feed your family
Count yourself lucky to be funded
Count yourself lucky to live this very moment
Count yourself lucky to have recovered

Count all your blessings and the people together in this journey around the world and reach out for help !! You're not alone !! You never will be ..

Bas Saans Lete Raho !! Just Breathe !!

Dear Love ..

Dear Love ..

I pondered the entire day trying to recount the encounter I've had with you so far in my life.

We have had a very on and off relationship with each other since my school days.. it took me a while to recognise that it was you and not just an infactuation or a crush ( Your stupid silly siblings confusing the lives of teenagers). And trust me, she tried her level best to blame it on them for the reason she looked smitten every time our eyes met. And even I brushed my feelings aside trying to ignore you till the moment she decided to bid a goodbye to our short time together.

She left and you showed up on my doorstep the next day. I blame you for all the sleepless nights I've had and my blunt emotionless demeanour while she was gone. You tormented me, made me jealous, angry and vulnerable at the same time. I fought you day in and day out trying to push you away from my life but you clingy creature hung on till I gave up and conceded to you. It was you - Love.

I wondered if its just the feeling of you was what I was missing then I could just find you in someone else again. But you evil twisted genius,you proved me wrong. It was her and none else. None could me make me feel you. And I admit. I enjoy your company.

So, the pursuit. Acted aloof, stalked her, drunk dialled her and did a thousand other things which would have gotten me a bloody restraining order had I been abroad. But India me toh this is the guide to find you. Finally gave up on my pursuit and gave up my hope of finding you ever back.

I let her move on. Sad and in agony, I missed you through her everyday for a horrible phase of my life. And finally out of pity, you evil twisted genius, decided to knock on her door.

And this time, we have both decided to grasp onto you. We're not letting you go.

So, I concede to you through her and I promise to treat you right this time. Enough of me trying to push you away and abusing you. I don't find happiness without you. I wanna wake up everyday knowing that you are in my life with her beside me. And for the part of you in her, I vouch for her happiness, her safety, her comfort and everything which makes her complete with you in her life through me.

In all, thanks for this bittersweet relationship we've had with each other and with her.

Sincerely yours,

A Man’s World !

“The best thing about being a woman is that, It’s a man’s world out there !!”

I had read the word Feminism and Feminists while I was still a boy but never really could wrap my head around it then because it was discussed and debated so less in stark contrast to what it is now. Today everyone is a feminist and everyone supports feminism but I’m still clueless about it as I was a decade back.

Nobody had the definition of a perfect woman back then.  Some thought it was okay for a woman to go out while some didin’t. Some educated their girls while others put them within the confines of their homes. Some felt it was not a woman’s place to interrupt while they spoke and cross their legs in front of others. Well !! Everyone had their own definition and everyone equally confused as the other. So, I as a boy had no clue as to how a woman should be.

I felt it weird when I entered my new school and there was a girl with a wooden ruler in her hand monitoring the class filled majorly with boys. It took me a while to settle down to this as so far I had seen girls as  timid and shy who whisper to each other. But this one was different. I was immediately drawn to her aura and confidence. She would walk around the class as if she owned it. In a class dominated by boys, it was unnatural that they let a girl feel equal  and a step further, be controlled by her. So, they would make fun of her walk and confront her decisions at every step trying to put her down. But she would silence them with one stare in their eyes. Nobody dared further. She was every teacher’s favourite, she held the top rank and was extremely well behaved. I left a year later to a different school in a new city due to my dad’s transfer.

Years later, found out through a friend that she was also in my college. I was wondering what she had grown into. Had the years changed her ? Had she gained in confidence ? I was to find out. But I was so sure that no matter what, she would certainly stand out from the crowd and she did. She had joined Mechatronics while other girls usually preferred to join the comfortable Computer Science or IT Engineering. She didn’t mind getting her hands dirty and headed the Cultural Team at College of our year. While other girls garnered attention with the clothes they wore and the number of boys in pursuit of them, she roamed in a Khakhi uniform with mostly grease mark on the hands. She bothered less about what others thought of her and more about what she believed in. I was a mere spectator and admirer to all this.

A year later, a guy fell in love with her and after months of pursuit, wooed her to win her over. I was happy for her as she was often singled out by her friends ( Not just a men problem, even women cannot handle successful independent women !! )and now she had someone to truly care for her. She did not entirely let herself to trust him initially but after a few months, gained the confidence that he valued her aspirations and could be relied upon. She let her guard down and for the first time, actually wanted to have all those moments of chivalry from a man she loved. She had now begun to picture her dreams together with him. She loved the way he held her and made her feel safe, not that she needed anyone to protect her but this feeling  reassured her faith in him. She let him be the man in the relationship, she respected his ego and didn’t let him feel insecure. She helped him with his career aspirations and motivated him from being an average guy to a class apart. He even prepped for GATE so that he could give her a better life and got into IIT Madras. She had made the world of difference to his life.

While I and my other friends ended up in the IT sector, She went on to join Anand Automotives initially and then to Honeywell in Hyderabad. She was so sure to pursue her dreams and didn’t think twice about choosing her passion over other comfortable desk jobs.

A year later after college, I learned that she was going through some trouble in her relationship. The couple who once were head over heels in love with each other, couldn’t make the long distance relationship work. The distance and the resultant insecurity, caused the guy to question her loyalty, something she could never forgive him for. The guy had been too controlling and couldn’t take her outspoken and friendly nature at her workplace. He constantly complained about the clothes she wore and the group of friends  she hung out with. The job nature of a woman in a factory set up warrants interaction with men and her guy was not comfortable with that. After pestering her to move to Chennai, to abusing her emotionally ,to blaming her for his insecurities, she had had enough. She tried to hold on to the relationship she so truly believed but it was time to let go. It was hard for a butterfly to feel trapped and she didn’t. She woke up one day and felt she had already moved on from him. Not to anyone else, but to greater things in life.

So, it’s really upon women to decide if they want to play the victim card or feel powerful.

I as a boy had no clue as to how a woman should be. As a man, I still don’t because a man is not the one to decide how a woman should be !!

Just admire, embrace and cherish them.

Cab ride to Office

The cooker let out a scream adding to the haste while I got my two year old Cinderella dressed. “Seethamma, anda cooker a konjam paarunga” , I shouted, asking my maid to take care of the cooker. I did my hair, pinned the saree (lecherous eyes at office !!) , took my lunchbox, packed my husband’s lunch and a thousand other things that a working wife has to do. I kissed my child, asked my maid to look after her and rushed towards my cab who had honked three times  expressing his frustration. 

“Should have married a techie, at least, our offices would have been in the same direction and he could drop me in our car. Well !! Let’s not open that door!” I thought to myself.

Soon, my colleagues started engaging in a dumb cheap ritual called gossip. I wore my headset and  looked away through the glass. Santosh Narayan's classic Aagayam Theepidicha Nila Thoonguma starts to soothe me while I sank into my own. 

“It was all very exciting to start with, College, friends, a few first dates, love, job, marriage – everything. Now that I ask myself if this is really what I sought is when I realize that its all meaningless. I studied to do a job I hate, to earn money that I don’t have time to enjoy. I’ll probably start saving so that my daughter can have a good life while I lived an ordinary one. Dream a thousand dreams for her and give her the financial freedom to pursue them and when she starts to, push her into marriage so that she can pass on her aspirations to her kids. Damn !! Is this all we are ever born for !! Is there no escape ?"

"But there are tiny moments of joy and happiness. Well !! At least there were, initially, first year of marriage. Like when he took me on a drive, brought home a rose after work, when I cooked his favourite mutton biryani and he would say – I love you jaanu !"

"Now, Its all about my kid. I smile only when I’m with her now. I and him, have no time for each other these days. It takes nine to reach home in this wretched Bengaluru traffic. He stares at the TV for a while, eats what the maid has cooked (I don’t think he even knows what he is eating anymore), plays with our kid for a while and dozes off."

"Can’t blame him entirely, he is mentally too tired since his new project started. On that, he has to work on Saturdays too. A word of advice, never marry someone who has to work on Saturdays !! Life shall never be colourful, It’ll be grey like their uniforms. (Yes ! he has to wear an uniform to work)

I just hope all this changes very soon. I already feel a distance with him. We both have prioritized our work lives so much that we didn't see our relationship slip away. There is no more spark there. It's crazy how life has shifted in these past five years since college. Earlier, we used to literally share our everyday lives on text messages. Right from Good morning Darling:*  to Honey .. Say something na .. I can't sleep ! we were with each other all the time. We spent time making each other feel special and important. And he would text me poems written just for me making me blush. Now, they have turned to one word pings on whatsapp and that too when it's absolutely necessary like I'll be late or Where are the car keys ? I cannot believe what we have become 

May be its me. I don't even give him the time I give to my stupid colleagues. May be I should take the first step and reignite things. Can't sit and wait around for him. I should start making conscious effort to make time for him. Make him feel important in my life. And I know he'll reciprocate all my love and effort. May be I'll cook him his biryani tonight. Let’s see if he still says, I love you jaanu !!”

My cab stops at my office, and I get down to carry on with my day.